Master Yao Responded to My Question!

I am so excited! Master Yao actually made time to answer my question. Here is what I asked and here is what he said.

Me:

If you don't mind, I had a quick question. Someone called in on the 12th show (when you were talking about whether women prefer clitoral stimulation or vaginal stimulation) and one of the callers had said that the position of the man being on top (or missionary position) was not in the original tantra positions. I wanted to know if to your knowledge that is true and if so what do you think about it? 

If you have time and would like to answer that would be great. Thank you again for all of what you are teaching. I have been applying what I can. :) 

Master Yao:

I am sorry. I did not see this mail. It was piggy back on previous and hidden on my browser.

Concerning missionary position. Well, if you are having sex in any position you are doing good.  I will not say any position is bad. It appears that the positions as given were designed to address a concern. Some other positions are how they are, because of the way the human energy body is designed. The chakras and meridians and energy motion is what it is. The man seated, and the female mounted on his phallus, in lotus, is designed to take advantage of the "energy orbit". It is for maximum flow, max intimacy, max share. Almost you become one. But it is uncomfortable for some. You must be young, strong and flexible to hold it. It is not a good or bad form, it is specific. The man above and the woman below is not good or bad. It requires the female submit her energy, and the male to be assertive. It is similar to when the woman is tied up. If you are not a receptive woman this is not for you. No blame. If you can get in that energy, the man does all the work and movement. The woman retreats into herself, and soaks up his strokes and his energy. She can have orgasm after orgasm this way. But the man has to be conservative in motion, and dynamic in energy projection. The vagina is not designed that way. Most men are so focused on just getting into bed, the position is not relevant  Most women are in their head during sex. The position will not help them. Men and women are focused on everything except the pleasure of the other. THE FORM MUST FIT THE FUNCTION. That is the rule. Please.... find a man, and f-- his brains out, in every position. Enjoy it. Then gradually work into positions. If you are a controlling yang type woman, practice the submissive postures for expanded pleasure. If you are the passive type, get on top and feel empowered and dominant.  Great Good fortune. 

Master Yao 

***************

Damn! That is one sexy ass Man! Let me tell you! So this sentence near the end here is exactly why I asked the question:
"If you are the passive type, get on top and feel empowered and dominant."-Master Yao

When I heard that person say that the missionary position was not an original position in Tantra, it immediately struck in my mind, that if this was true, that would mean that sex is hugely about, not only a man and a woman bonding, but a woman's power. Then another person came on a different show (a woman), and said the same thing, she said, "The woman is supposed to mount her king". 

I mean there you have it. That was awesome! Think about it. Your man is out all day, bring home the bacon, (not to say that you aren't too, this is just an example based on the ancient ways), and then to relax, he lies down and submits to YOUR sexual power as a woman...and Yes, you are serving him, but he is in a SUBMISSIVE position. :D And how vulnerable are you? Up there, on top of him, fully exposed and visible in all of your imperfect perfection, and yet still, so strong, powerful and yes...just like he said, "Dominant"! While still being a delicate flower...while still being feminine. (No disrespect to the women who work more with the aggressive style of yang energy.) Being in that position takes confidence, skill and trust.

Don't get me wrong...Ain't nuttin wrong wit some missionary! Nevertheless, I found that fascinating! Especially since I have been somewhat intimidated by that position, for various reasons, all psychological bullshit. Point is, I need to get over that and as he said, "If you are the passive type, get on top and feel empowered and dominant," which I am...I am passive and I am learning to be more ASSERTIVE. This is one of the reasons I am doing this blog and being so open in it. Anyway, that's all for now. I gotta get some reading done and read some other blogs. Peace. 

Ejaculation of the Pen and Death Threats

Skeet, Skeet, Skeet anyone?

That's right. You all know that I have talked about healing past wounds through self pleasure. Well, last night, Mr. T, my "You're that sexy kind of weird", friend, said that I need to consider "ejaculation of the pen". I had gotten a little tipsy last night and I revealed to him, something that I will be revealing in my book, and that is that my ex, in a drunken fit, jovially and with that psychotic type of laugh, threatened to kill me. Up until last night, I had only revealed to two people that my ex husband threatened my life (that I remember) but I know for sure, that I only told one person the details of it; a certain Mr. P. So, why did I reveal this to him in particular? For one reason and one reason alone (aside from obvious formalities), he's white.

Back-story! Don't you just love it? So, in the duration of my marriage, I had two people on two separate occasions, caution me to beware of my actions/words around my ex husband because I might end up murdered and chopped up somewhere. I'm not saying that they wouldn't have said it if he weren't white, but I am saying that I have dated a few black guys and I have never gotten a warning like that with them. Now to be fair to person A who gave me the warning, that was the longest relationship I had ever been in, and to be fair to person B who warned me, they didn't know me prior to that relationship...but I'm pretty confident that it had, more than a little bit, to do with the fact that he was white.

So what happened? I got offended, naturally, because, of the following reasons: How you gonna talk like that about my guy? Why would you put a thought like that in my head about my man? So, you could imagine my appall when my husband actually said it to me. Not something similar. He said exactly that. Well technically, it was posed as a question, a drunken, hysterical question.

To the present. So I asked Mr. T what his thoughts on this were, because I wanted him to validate or invalidate this stereotype, for the sake of analysis. But even as I write that, to be honest, I don't think that's why I really asked him. I think the spirit moved me to ask him because I had not really gotten over it. Let me tell you something...that is what you call, "Traumatizing", and I didn't realize that I had been traumatized about this until last night. Let's be clear, I'm not talking about the trauma of the entire relationship, I'm talking about the trauma of this specif thing.

There is a monologue in the movie, Under the Tuscan Sun, where Frances (played by Diane Lane), said, "Do you know what the most surprising thing about divorce is? It doesn't actually kill you...like a bullet to the heart or a head on car wreck. It should. When someone you've promised to cherish til death do you part says, 'I never loved you,' I mean...it should kill you instantly. You shouldn't have to wake up day after day, after that, trying to understand how in the world you didn't know".

This is exactly how I felt. I had to wake up day after day, knowing that the man I loved, the man that I married, had threatened to kill me...and not just kill me, but chop me up into little pieces. That's some traumatizing shit. Did I think that he was going to do it? Not really. Was I worried about it possibly happening, unconsciously, in a drunken fit, sometime in the future? Yes. Do I still worry about it? Yes. Sometimes I am nervous to blog how I really feel and what really happened because of it, but I can't live in fear like that.

 It's one thing to come to terms with the fact that you've been abused by the person you love; it's another thing to come to terms with a threat, or action, of even greater violence against you. I am very blessed, there are women that have gone through that Tina Turner type of abuse, so, thank goodness mine was mild in comparison...but it was traumatizing nevertheless.

He couldn't even remember the next day. He said that I had made it up. He didn't even apologize, naturally...how could I expect for him to apologize for something that he didn't even remember doing? I can't tell you how much I thank God and myself, that I got out of that situation alive and well. My heart aches right now, writing this, but I know I am definitely not the only one going through this and maybe you all need to hear this and learn and heal with me or maybe even get out of a situation that you are presently in.

I think the spirit moved me to talk to him so that he could help me to realize that I needed to deal with this specific issue head on and deal with it in the manner in which he prescribed, which he so wittily called, "Ejaculation of the Pen", in response to what we had discussed about masturbatory healing. So I am going to do it. I am going to do it today. Not in my diary though...I don't want to pervert it with that particular part of my past.

P.S.

I've changed my mind...I am going to write it in my diary..That's what the diary ultimately is for...So fine. It's settled.

P.P.S

Done! And I feel better already! I even made a fucking decision about posting my blog on my FB page...I did it. I am not going to let him or anyone or anything else hold me back from my goals!

That Sexy Kind of Weird- Meeting Mr. T

"Ok, you're that sexy kind of weird! We just gotta be friends!"...is the message I got from some random person on Facebook that decided to send me a friend request. For those of you who don't know, I am not one of those "Gotta Catch Em All" Facebook people. I am, typically, very selective about who I add and I will delete people in a flash, even so called "Friends". What is the first thing I think anytime anyone sends me a friend request? The following: Who the hell is this and why are they sending me a friend request? Did they see my picture or something? Did facebook suggest me? Do we have mutual friends? That last question is the first thing I look for. 

The whole while I am trying to answer these questions, I am perusing their page to see what they are about. Are they spammers? Are they weirdos....I perused the hell out  of this guys page and all I saw was funny after funny...I looked to see what we had in common and there was only one thing...a Web Series. I thought to myself, "Maybe that's it..." I decided, what they hey...he couldn't be too bad if his page was this funny. Turns out he's a really cool dude. His name is Mr. T. Why am I bringing him up tonight? Because he proved something to me today. Tantra energy works. 

He said something to me that really made me realize that I am growing in exactly the direction that I want to grow in; and it was so simple and if taken out of context, it could be considered very rude, but rest assured, he was quite the gentleman about it. After having been talking for a few days, possibly a couple of weeks, he said to me, and I quote, "Ok. This might be out of line, but I would love to have sex with you..I think you could really help me open myself". Now we talked and I had him elaborate, and so I know what he was getting at. Let me tell you why this stood out to me. 

But before I go in...I just want to mention that I am sipping on some Sutter Home Wine and the reason why I am bringing that up is because...ok, this is about to be a digression...They raised the price of my cheap wine by a dollar...which then put it in the same price range as some of the other wines and I said, well, fuck it...I am going to try a new wine. So I saw that Sutter Home was priced at about $5 and I saw that they had a ZINFANDEL (2010)! 

Up until just now, I have not tried a regular Zinfandel...I have had plenty of white (and let me tell you, when dealing with White Zinfandel, the cheaper it is, the worse it tastes...Buy the good stuff with White Zin)...so anyway, I am sippin on this bad boy right now and it's hot to trot. I'm feeling that Tantra Life...Ok...Back to the story...

So anyway, the reason it stood out to me is because of this. A while back, while talking with Master Yao, Coach Khayr had mentioned that he doesn't need to talk to people about what he does, you know, outside of regular conversation leading to it. People just be rolling up on him, in certain places, unsolicited, and start talking about what they do and what they practice...He said that he doesn't do that, but he feels that it's happening because they feel HIS energy...This is what this guy revealed to me. 

I did not tell him that I was a healer. And yet, he picked it up. Why did he want to have sex with me? Not because I am a sexy bitch. Not because I am really nice and seem kind of kinky...No. Because, 'I could really help him to open up'. Let me translate this for the noobs: 

"I want to have sex with you because I feel you could heal me and make it so that I could have better and more open hearted relationships with women in my future." 

That's some powerful shit and that is EXACTLY what Master Yao has been preaching that we need to do. Heal each other through sexual energy, physically when possible. We all want to be loved, and a lot of us fuck people up, but how many people are taking the opportunity to heal and not expect to be compensated in return?

Here's what I mean. A lot of times people get into relationships because of what THEY want. I want, I want, I want, I want... They don't get into relationships for the purpose of healing someone that needs help. They don't get into the relationship with the intent to uplift someone. They don't get into the relationship unless they are pretty sure that it is going to last and be for THEM. They get into the relationship to TAKE, and not experience. 

There is nothing wrong with wanting to find the right man/woman (from now on, I am going to speak from a woman's perspective, but it applies to you men out there). But there is also nothing wrong with having a relationship with the purpose of helping someone get on their feet. Helping someone be a better person. Helping someone be better for THE NEXT PERSON. It doesn't always have to be, "Well, if I can't have him then I ain't going to make him better for the next person. Well, if I can't have him, then I am going to fuck him up for the next person..." But this is what we so often do. 

I say, enter into the relationship. Go with the flow and just be the type of person that inspires. Be the type of person that heals, so that healing just happens. You don't have to make people feel like a low down piece of shit, just because it didn't work out with you two. It's ok ladies, to help a man get on his feet financially and teach him some skills sexually. I'm not saying get used...I'm saying, uplift. Date him for fun, not necessarily for marriage. You can, and marriage might happen...but you can also, in the words of Musiq Soulchild, "Hook up, hang out, just chill". 

Well....Just friends....with benefits...Y'all need to vibe off of this hot joint ri'chere! (right here).

You can still be committed, I'm not saying be frivolous...I'm saying, sometimes just let it be an experience. An experience where by the end, you have left a good taste in the mouth of the person you were with, even if they were not the one for you.  (I'm talking to you men as well...cause y'all be fucking bitches up. But men are more expected to handle things financially...I am talking about both sexes doing both things). Just...SHIT...Just Be A Goddam Human Being to another Human Being. It doesn't always have to be about competition and what you gonna get out of a person in the long run. 



I'm not saying get used...but think about it like this, when you help someone advance in their career, are you allowing them to negatively use you? When you teach someone a sexual trick, are you allowing them to negatively use you? When you help someone start their small business, are you allowing them to negatively use you? When you help that girl pay off their old bills, are you allowing them to negatively use you? No. You are being a good Partner. If they are leeches, then cut them lose...but if they just need a little healing or a little OPPORTUNITY to develop, grow, become fucking awesome!... then facilitate that. And guess what, it comes back to you, because you are creating a new paradigm. This can be done without having sex or with having sex. 

I have some ideas of how I am going to do my best to work something out for this friend of mine (which will be between him and I), but I will be doing it in a way that does not require us to have physical sex, cause I don't know him like that hahaha But I do want to help him out and improve upon my healing skills. 

Now I don't want to be deceiving to you all, he does have an idea of my spiritual views and the kind of stuff that I am into, but I have been quite vague with him and I never outright came out and told him that I was a healer (at least that I can remember)...he picked that shit up. That is the power of Tantra, and let me tell you something else...this isn't just any old leech of a person. He has done nothing but inspire me to do better things with my goals since I started talking with him, including adding this section to my blog. Originally, I only had the author blog and not a personal "sex-capade" one. Also, I did not have a bibliography and he inspired that as well. And he is going to share the knowledge that he has about earning a living from your blog, with me as well. 

So I didn't just attract someone to me, I definitely didn't attract an energy vampire to me... I attracted someone that I can help and that can help me. This is real power. This is real success. This is what I strive to do and one day, be able to formally teach, because I would be a bad ass motivational speaker. It ain't bragging if it's true LOL :D Anyway, that's about all for now. I'm sure I'll be blogging later because I am about to open up that sultry little "Master of the Universe" pdf. 

Peace Bitches! 

P.S. 

As a side note, "Sexy kind of weird" is exactly right when it comes to describing me. 

Even Birds Get Sexually Frustrated

My cockatiel is going through hormones right now. I can't be mad at him. You know why? Because this is the first time in over a year that he has gone through this. The other day he bit me when I went to get him to take him out of the cage, not hard enough to pierce the skin but hard enough to leave a red mark and definitely make me nervous and hurt my feelings. There is no question. I am giving him away. He is a very sweet bird and I love him, but he is very loud, compared to my other three birds and when he gets hormonal, that's it. He's fighting everyone in the cage, he's attacking the smaller birds, he's screaming all day-non stop- as loud as possible, he is biting and attacking...Just doesn't work for me or the other birds. I'm actually glad I got him, because he made me realize that I do not want big birds and I definitely don't want any more birds until I get a house in a warm climate and I can keep them outside, so they can scream as loud as they want. And I DEFINITELY don't want any big birds...I'm going to keep it  no bigger than the Indian Ringneck.

BIG

See?....now he's quiet...now that I've given up on taking my nap. 

By George! I Think I've Found It! Master Of The UNIVERSE!

The Original Fan Story...The Original Version of 50 Shades of Grey! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssss! I can't wait to open this baby up tomorrow! The only thing I didn't like about 50 shades was that I felt like it was milked...it was milked so much that I couldn't stand to finish it and I could tell...but it was Validated when I went to make a bad review and someone said that we should read the original because the mainstream one was really stretched out and watered down...So, Finally...I have made time to find it, and I am about to read this bad boy and Yes...I will be doing a book review. Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Christian Grey! (A little too insecure for my taste, but sexy and cool nonetheless...I couldn't give a crap about "Edward" though hahaha...Sorry Robert Pattinson Fans...I prefer the Men of True Blood).

Hello Kitty, 2 Raw 4 TV and Ultra Celibacy...

I really want to be into Hello Kitty...

I was looking at I Am Style-ish's blog today and a couple of weeks ago, she was wearing a Hello Kitty shirt

 and it reminded me of the fact that I want to be into Hello Kitty, but I really need to find out about it first...I mean, what is it? Is it a Japanese cartoon? I just want to love that Cat So Badly. They even have a Hello Kitty Collection of charms at Kay Jewelers which is where I get my charms for my charm bracelet. Look how bad ass she is!

I'm mad that this bitch has been all up in my closet, going through my unmentionables. 

Should I buy this? Is this a little too much?...

Eh...Think I'll pass...I don't think he'd be into that LOL Less is more with gags, as far as I'm concerned...at least for now...I'll be sticking with hankies...hankies and rope... 

Look...Hipster Hello Kitty...Need I say more?

They got Goth Hello Kitty, Zombie Hello Kitty...you name it, they got it. Love that cat. She reminds me of my Ex Grandmother in Law...Wanna get into it; gonna make it a mission.

Gonna go handle some stuff...gotta Co-Host this 2 Raw 4 TV radio show on blogtalkradio.com/2raw4tv ... and I'll be back to finish blogging later... Come check it out, our guest is Rapper K-Laid.

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2 RAW 4 TV 

I'm on the show right now...True God Immortal is talking, his voice is kind of sexy ;)

You can find him on twitter @ TrueGodImmortal. This is a link to his clothing line:

And of course you can check out his music along with some other really great music on the Turn Off Your TV Mixtape Vol 2 @ Mixconnect.com (Free Download, it's soooooo good!) If you click on the album cover, it will take you to a page where you can get volume 1 and 2. (I am helping create Volume 3! Yea!)

If you are wondering who that model is, her name is Key Jones...She know a lil somethin somethin bout sexy with this "nothin but electrical tape" look...If you click on the picture you will be taken to her dance video on Hustlevilleent12's (Palmetto Star's YouTube Page).

Show got hot tonight. Big debate about what's real hip and what's real musical art. Check out the show:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/2raw4tv/2012/12/07/make-it-happen-ft-mid-west-lyricist-k-laid

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SEXY TIME...

What a night. This is why I slowed down with my blogging before, because I get addicted to it. I've been at the computer all day, tweeking my blog and writing off and on. It's been two days since I've done any stretching/yoga, I gotta get on it. 

Right now, I am looking into Falun Gong/Dafa...Master Yao said that to train my kundalini to give added energy during sexual times, I have to treat it like a fast. Basically, when you fast, the Kundalini energy goes to the places that have been deprived of the energy of food and does a sort of compensation, and then when you eat again, because you have all of that kundalini energy in that place now, food tastes amazing...You can train your body the same way sexually. But here's the thing...If you train your body (like I'm doing now) for a few months, your body STAYS like that (anywhere from 7 years to indefinitely, depending on your lifestyle)...so if you do it right, then EVERY TIME you have sex, you will be READY to have Mind Blowing Sex AND you will be able to HAVE Mind Blowing sex because the body has basically learned that when it's time for sex, it needs to add some energy into the sexual regions, and so it does, and then you get that extra good feeling...If you have questions about that, leave me a comment. 

So this is what I am doing right now. Fact of the matter is, sex is not just about busting a nut. Sexual energy is a very powerful and creative energy and needs to be honed. This is my intent. Not only will it be fun, it will be empowering. It will probably be a few days before I really start my Qi Gong, as I have to edit the videos, but when I do, I will let you all know what I think and I will post the edited video so you can use it without the girl talking in the background. 

It has been 5 days since I have done anything sexual. I have been celibate for over a year so yes, I'm talking about self pleasure...and today, was the HARDEST day... Sometimes, certain people can say a certain thing a certain way and man...it just does something to you. I didn't know what I was going to do with myself, but I tell you what, I am determined to get through these 2 weeks without touching myself, not one iota, no matter how intense it gets. I have permission to go for it once a week, no more than twice, but it's best if you don't do anything at all. And I want the best! So ultra celibate it is. 

What i need to find out from Master Yao, is what I do when I am saving the sexual energy and I get REALLY turned on. Do I meditate? Do I direct it to the lower regions? Do I just let it ride? Do I stretch? I don't know hahaha...Today I just let it ride until I got caught up in some internet business. :D Anyway, that's about all for tonight. I'm a hit you all up laters. Got a job interview tomorrow at 2pm so wish me luck. Peace! 

P.S.

I stretched... So I only missed 1 day...Now I just gotta exercise! 

Gotta get this body right here:

Or something close :)  Ok. Goodnight... 

..

Sex Position Diary and Master Yao

I have been thinking lately that I should start a little diary with sexual positions that I come up with, as well as the technique to do them and if they work in a practical setting. I have started to do it in my regular diary but I think there will be enough ideas to go on and do it in a separate book. What will be nice is going back to check and see what I wrote, trying it out and then marking whether or not it works and then rating it: Comfort, pleasure for me, pleasure for him, etc... That would be cool. It is really going to be a sort of a Kama Sutra book because the positions are going to be a combination of what I am learning about Tantra and the actual position. These techniques are not going to be for the initiate hahaha :") That's for sure! I don't think I am going to post all of them on here but I just might turn it into a book one day and make it available...we'll see...gotta keep some secrets. I will post some though...cause what fun would it be if I didn't? None! :D 

I am NOT feeling the font options on this blog site.

This is the song of the night:

Moon and the Sky by Sade 

I was only going to post one but y'all better vibe off of this one right here too..

Mmmmmmm...and this joint right here!

 I came up with one the other day and I'll tell you two things about it...I am calling it: Her em Akhet (Google it) and it involves Kegels! :) It is going to be FUN trying that one out. I don't know when I'll get to though :(

That's about all for now...I might come back and add a little more later. Peace...

Ok. I'm back...That was all of 5 minutes...

1 Word....Floetry...Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm....Yes. 

Oh and this song...Colder Weather...

I'm drinking orange juice out of a wine glass. Whenever I do that, as I am making the decision to do so, I always say to myself, "Because I deserve to". I deserve to have a good, luxurious life and that in involves drinking things that I enjoy out of a wine glass, even when times are hard. I keep my head focused on "The Tantra Life"...Y'all don't know about that yet though...well maybe some of you do and definitely more than me...but y'all gotta check out Master Yao. I gotta get his book: Awakening the Master Feminine. Here is a link to his website (Click Picture Bellow): 

#BOSS...I LOVE this picture! (The Above) This picture embodies how I imagine the Tantra life and that life is my life...even now, because it's in my heart and it is the reason I drink the OJ out of the wine glass. His facebook name is: Yao Morris and you can hear him lecturing on Coach Khayr's show (I don't know much about Coach Khayr (That's him on the left)...but this is where he does his show) (Click Picture Bellow): 

I can just see myself drinking wine and champagne with Master Yao. Infact, I would like to BRING him the champagne. Purchase it myself- and a good one too- and take it right to my first class/meet and greet and pour that bad boy up and make a toast to him! :) 

I am doing my gymnastics/tantra/yoga stretching and it has been going well.  

There are two books of his that I would like to get:

He read a sample of that Oracle of Khemsa Nu and I was like DAUUUUUUUMN!

:D It sounds HOT. A droplet of water was lingering on her nipples and everything. The first one is a guide to some Tantra things. It was originally meant for men but women gravitated toward it so he is making a new one called Awakening the Master Masculine. I can't tell you a lot about it because I haven't read it yet. When I get my own version I will make sure to take a picture and tell you all of the juicy details...well some, you will have to get the book yourself :P They are on his website under "books". I guess that's about all for tonight. I'll hit you all up soon. 

A Sexy Blog

I've decided to go ahead and make a blog about my life, spirituality and sexuality. It begins here...

Sample Chapter (Not Quite Black & Blue)

This is a rough draft, but I thought it would be nice for you all to be able to read a sample of my memoir (I feel just a little pretentious when I say that hahaha but that's part of the fun of using that word), "Not Quite Black & Blue":

You Want to Start a What?

“You want to start a what?”

That was all I could muster out after hearing his proposal. He looked at me, smiling, lovingly stroking my arms. Filled with joy and intent, he repeated,

“A family”.

I never knew a womb could churn. I felt my vagina clench at the thought of his aggressive, angry and temperamental sperm coursing through the tunnel of my yoni, passing my cervix and finding its way to my fallopian tube to hunt...for an egg in my ovaries. 

I had always wanted children. When I was a little girl I knew exactly what I wanted. Four…No, five boys…Well, maybe four, this way each one had a friend. I could dress them up in real snazzy outfits and they would be the coolest and cutest boys in school. Totally popular. They would be smart and sweet and I would love them with every fiber of my being. Over time, I learned of the costs of children and the potential pains of child birth and I narrowed that number all the way down to 2. Then as I started to have visions of the future, which always seemed to involve me having a little girl, and I realized the benefits of having a boy and a girl. After all, I wasn’t going to be able to take my little boy to the nail salon with me to get a mani-pedi. 

When we are young, our parents give us baby dolls and we pretend that we are mommy and we walk around holding it, sleeping with it, feeding it with the plastic bottle, and it is not until we get older that we realize the reality of having a child. They don’t just get dropped off by the stork. You can't just enjoy them and then throw them into the toy chest when you are over them, and most of all, they have a mind of their own. They are living beings that have to be created, cultivated and maintained for life, with another person and hopefully the right person at the right time. 

I realized that Johnathan was not ready for children when I saw him grab our bird, Rizzo, and squeeze him so hard that I swore he was going to break him. Why? Because Rizzo nicked his finger. To be fair, Rizzo did lunge at him. 

There was one time when Rizzo bit me and I reflexively flicked my hand and I did it a little too hard and Rizzo didn’t have time to fly and he accidentally hit the wall. I felt bad about that and so I know that things can happen when you get chomped into by an animal, but this was not a reflex. John was in complete domination over the bird. He was just a small bird, just a little bigger than a hand, but man could he chomp down with his beak if he wanted to. 

He was going through hormones and because John was a man, he was a threat. Rizzo was forced to fight for his territory (his bird cage) and his woman (our other bird, Sandy). I tried to reason with Johnny,

“Rizzo’s brain is the size of a pea and he’s only responding based on his instincts. He will never understand discipline. We have tried it. So why are you squeezing him like that?”

But talking to John was like trying to discipline that bird. I thought to myself, "If he’s doing that with our bird, what is he going to do with our child?"

I asked, “Why do you want to start a family?” followed by a flippant chuckle. 

“Well, I really miss my family sometimes. I feel like I wouldn’t miss them as much if we started our own.”

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to have children with him at all, just not now. His mom was already telling me that she had talked to her stylists to see if she knew how to do mulatto hair, because when her "grand baby" came, she wanted to be ready. I had to curb my urge to say to her,

“I don’t know if your son is going to be ready for that anytime soon”. 

I continued,

“You can’t just start a family because you miss yours. If you want to visit we can visit. Shit, we just got back from visiting. A child is expensive, and you’re always saying, that sometimes you wish you weren’t with me because then you could do what you want and go where you want, etc. etc. What do you think is going to happen when we bring a baby into the world? Everything is going to be about that child”.

I found this entire conversation to be a farce as he had just recently done the most absurd thing to me. We were sitting on the couch enjoying a movie when out of the blue, he turned to me and asked,

“Are you pregnant?”

to which I replied,

“No. Why?”

to which he physically replied, by hastily turning his body and proceeding to kick my belly. My mouth dropped open in shock, not from the pain, because he didn’t kick me very hard, but to the insanity of the action. Before I could open my mouth to say anything he said,

“Just in case”. 

That’s when it registered. He thought that by kicking my stomach, he could terminate any potential pregnancy. Now, as I later found out, he did this action…on two different occasions mind you…because he had seen it on a television show. Apparently it was supposed to be funny. Hardy fucking har har. So the fact that he was looking me square in the eyes and asking me to have a baby with him was a joke. After sitting down with him and making clear the costs and sacrifice needed to have a child, he finally closed the discussion and that was the last we spoke of it. 

Emotional Roller Coaster

Writing this book has been an emotional roller coaster. I wrote a couple of chapters last night. I was going to go for three but I didn't want to continue being so upset, so I decided to continue today. This is the perfect time to do it because I can take all of the hormonal instability and depression of the body that usually comes with my period, take that energy and use it constructively toward the creation of my book and that is a wonderful thing. That's about all I have to say right now. I am working on my first Sci-Fi short but I think I am just going to be making notes for that now and start writing it after I finish my memoir. I am almost done; there's only about 3-4 more short chapters left. Yea! My first novel! Well, the first draft at least hahaha :) Anyway, that's about all for now.