Back-story! Don't you just love it? So, in the duration of my marriage, I had two people on two separate occasions, caution me to beware of my actions/words around my ex husband because I might end up murdered and chopped up somewhere. I'm not saying that they wouldn't have said it if he weren't white, but I am saying that I have dated a few black guys and I have never gotten a warning like that with them. Now to be fair to person A who gave me the warning, that was the longest relationship I had ever been in, and to be fair to person B who warned me, they didn't know me prior to that relationship...but I'm pretty confident that it had, more than a little bit, to do with the fact that he was white.
So what happened? I got offended, naturally, because, of the following reasons: How you gonna talk like that about my guy? Why would you put a thought like that in my head about my man? So, you could imagine my appall when my husband actually said it to me. Not something similar. He said exactly that. Well technically, it was posed as a question, a drunken, hysterical question.
To the present. So I asked Mr. T what his thoughts on this were, because I wanted him to validate or invalidate this stereotype, for the sake of analysis. But even as I write that, to be honest, I don't think that's why I really asked him. I think the spirit moved me to ask him because I had not really gotten over it. Let me tell you something...that is what you call, "Traumatizing", and I didn't realize that I had been traumatized about this until last night. Let's be clear, I'm not talking about the trauma of the entire relationship, I'm talking about the trauma of this specif thing.
There is a monologue in the movie, Under the Tuscan Sun, where Frances (played by Diane Lane), said, "Do you know what the most surprising thing about divorce is? It doesn't actually kill you...like a bullet to the heart or a head on car wreck. It should. When someone you've promised to cherish til death do you part says, 'I never loved you,' I mean...it should kill you instantly. You shouldn't have to wake up day after day, after that, trying to understand how in the world you didn't know".
This is exactly how I felt. I had to wake up day after day, knowing that the man I loved, the man that I married, had threatened to kill me...and not just kill me, but chop me up into little pieces. That's some traumatizing shit. Did I think that he was going to do it? Not really. Was I worried about it possibly happening, unconsciously, in a drunken fit, sometime in the future? Yes. Do I still worry about it? Yes. Sometimes I am nervous to blog how I really feel and what really happened because of it, but I can't live in fear like that.
It's one thing to come to terms with the fact that you've been abused by the person you love; it's another thing to come to terms with a threat, or action, of even greater violence against you. I am very blessed, there are women that have gone through that Tina Turner type of abuse, so, thank goodness mine was mild in comparison...but it was traumatizing nevertheless.
He couldn't even remember the next day. He said that I had made it up. He didn't even apologize, naturally...how could I expect for him to apologize for something that he didn't even remember doing? I can't tell you how much I thank God and myself, that I got out of that situation alive and well. My heart aches right now, writing this, but I know I am definitely not the only one going through this and maybe you all need to hear this and learn and heal with me or maybe even get out of a situation that you are presently in.
I think the spirit moved me to talk to him so that he could help me to realize that I needed to deal with this specific issue head on and deal with it in the manner in which he prescribed, which he so wittily called, "Ejaculation of the Pen", in response to what we had discussed about masturbatory healing. So I am going to do it. I am going to do it today. Not in my diary though...I don't want to pervert it with that particular part of my past.
I've changed my mind...I am going to write it in my diary..That's what the diary ultimately is for...So fine. It's settled.
Done! And I feel better already! I even made a fucking decision about posting my blog on my FB page...I did it. I am not going to let him or anyone or anything else hold me back from my goals!