I have been listening to this Katy Perry song all day. I used to not really listen to it (she's kind of a hit or miss artist for me) but lately, I have been into it. Then I decided to listen to the lyrics and they are really on point with how I feel lately in a lot of areas of my life.
You know how a song moves you so much that you can't even sing them? That's how it's been all day with this song. I am a singer and it requires a certain amount of breath and stability of the voice to be able to get through a song and when you are emotional, those two things are the most difficult to control. So I've been able to sing it softly but not with any real level of power because the lyrics and the way she sings it is so moving.
I am going to spiral a little bit and hopefully by the time I am done with this post, it will make sense. I don't know... lately I have been feeling like damaged goods. I have been feeling like... I have been feeling like I don't know if I will be able to get over the things that have happened in my life that have calloused me. Over all, I don't think I'm that difficult to deal with but then again, I know myself. I understand the motivation behind almost everything that comes out of my mouth and my behaviors but what's that got to do with the person who is going to end up dealing with me as a mate? He isn't going to be a mind reader. And just because... I don't know. There's a lot I could say but it just feels like blather. Point is, it's different when you are on the receiving end.
I feel like... I guess sometimes I just feel like it would be better for everyone if I just stayed on my own. Maybe I'm more trouble than I'm worth. But maybe that's not for me to decide, eh? Maybe that's for my mate to decide. I mean if he feels like I'm worth it, then shouldn't that be enough? With the former attitude, I'll end up unnecessarily sabotaging my relationships. I think the latter attitude is more productive. Even now as I'm reflecting on what I'm writing, I feel like I am over thinking. I need to feel more and think less without ending up in a situation where I am feeling too much and not thinking enough hahaha. Balance.
Today, I was looking in the mirror while listening to that Katy Perry song (which I am about to put on now) and I was starting to feel self-pity. I am not one to dwell in pity so I was about to get up and focus on something else but then I said, "Maybe it's time you FELT...some pity". So I sat there and just looked at myself crying in the mirror and allowed myself to FEEL... It just so happened that I was feeling bad for myself hahaha. I mean, I don't know...not like, "Woe is me. My life is so awful..." but more like, "I'm kind of fucked up and I accept that. I don't know if I'll recover or how long it will take and what I'll sabotage along the way to recovery". I guess the thought of what I might sabotage along the way is what I was really feeling sad about.
It's really awesome to be loved by someone. For someone to really love you and invest time and energy into you, is really something amazing. Despite all of your quirks and insecurities, fears and complications, they still want to be in your life. They still want you in their life. And not just as a friend but as an intimate lover. It would be a shame to sabotage something as miraculous as that because of my past relationships with people.
Katy said, "You know I'm letting go tonight. I'm falling from cloud 9. I'm wide awake". The other day, I laid all of my cards out on the table for someone and I mean All of them. Every fear, every concern. Even the ones I was nervous about sharing. Ashamed maybe? It's hard to tell someone who hasn't done something to you (or given you solid reason to believe that they will), that you are afraid that they might do said thing to you. It's kind of insulting when you think about it. Anyway, a few things happened after that:
1. I got it off my chest; which was a relief.
2. I let him know what my fears were so he could know what to do instead.
3. I took away my shield. See when you think about it, you have your fears, yes, but when those fears are on the table, you can no longer hide behind them. You have let the person know that you are worried about it and therefore said, "I trust that you are going to take the high road". Then you have to act on that trust. If you don't, then you are saying two things:
A. I don't trust you because of my past.
B: I never will trust you.
When you make the decision to put yourself out there, you are making a decision to allow them to prove to you that they are better than your fears. Which means YOU actually have to trust now. That's hard. It was even harder reminding myself of that. I said, "You no longer have any excuse to behave like that. You have to give him a chance".
4. It made him responsible. See, now he can't say he didn't know. He knows All of it. Every fear, ever concern, how much power he has... all of it.
5. It made me obligated to speak my mind more often. I have a tendency to let things build up while I figure them out and while I am figuring, I am not trusting hahaha. So again, I don't have that shield.
Anyway...in some ways I am being silly. I believe in love and I'm not going to give up on it without proper effort. So becoming a relationship hermit is not going to happen any time soon. I don't even know if I made a specific point with this post but then, that's not really what it was about. It was about sharing myself with you all. That's about all for now. If you all have any comments about anything that I've said, I would love to hear them.