Saturday, January 26, 2013

Damaged Goods and Katy Perry's Wide Awake

I have been listening to this Katy Perry song all day. I used to not really listen to it (she's kind of a hit or miss artist for me) but lately, I have been into it. Then I decided to listen to the lyrics and they are really on point with how I feel lately in a lot of areas of my life.

You know how a song moves you so much that you can't even sing them? That's how it's been all day with this song. I am a singer and it requires a certain amount of breath and stability of the voice to be able to get through a song and when you are emotional, those two things are the most difficult to control. So I've been able to sing it softly but not with any real level of power because the lyrics and the way she sings it is so moving.

I am going to spiral a little bit and hopefully by the time I am done with this post, it will make sense. I don't know... lately I have been feeling like damaged goods. I have been feeling like... I have been feeling like I don't know if I will be able to get over the things that have happened in my life that have calloused me. Over all, I don't think I'm that difficult to deal with but then again, I know myself. I understand the motivation behind almost everything that comes out of my mouth and my behaviors but what's that got to do with the person who is going to end up dealing with me as a mate? He isn't going to be a mind reader. And just because... I don't know. There's a lot I could say but it just feels like blather. Point is, it's different when you are on the receiving end.

I feel like... I guess sometimes I just feel like it would be better for everyone if I just stayed on my own. Maybe I'm more trouble than I'm worth. But maybe that's not for me to decide, eh? Maybe that's for my mate to decide. I mean if he feels like I'm worth it, then shouldn't that be enough? With the former attitude, I'll end up unnecessarily sabotaging my relationships. I think the latter attitude is more productive. Even now as I'm reflecting on what I'm writing, I feel like I am over thinking. I need to feel more and think less without ending up in a situation where I am feeling too much and not thinking enough hahaha. Balance.

Today, I was looking in the mirror while listening to that Katy Perry song (which I am about to put on now) and I was starting to feel self-pity. I am not one to dwell in pity so I was about to get up and focus on something else but then I said, "Maybe it's time you FELT...some pity". So I sat there and just looked at myself crying in the mirror and allowed myself to FEEL... It just so happened that I was feeling bad for myself hahaha. I mean, I don't know...not like, "Woe is me. My life is so awful..." but more like, "I'm kind of fucked up and I accept that. I don't know if I'll recover or how long it will take and what I'll sabotage along the way to recovery". I guess the thought of what I might sabotage along the way is what I was really feeling sad about.

It's really awesome to be loved by someone. For someone to really love you and invest time and energy into you, is really something amazing. Despite all of your quirks and insecurities, fears and complications, they still want to be in your life. They still want you in their life. And not just as a friend but as an intimate lover. It would be a shame to sabotage something as miraculous as that because of my past relationships with people.

Katy said, "You know I'm letting go tonight. I'm falling from cloud 9. I'm wide awake". The other day, I laid all of my cards out on the table for someone and I mean All of them. Every fear, every concern. Even the ones I was nervous about sharing. Ashamed maybe? It's hard to tell someone who hasn't done something to you (or given you solid reason to believe that they will), that you are afraid that they might do said thing to you. It's kind of insulting when you think about it. Anyway, a few things happened after that:
1. I got it off my chest; which was a relief.
2. I let him know what my fears were so he could know what to do instead.
3. I took away my shield. See when you think about it, you have your fears, yes, but when those fears are on the table, you can no longer hide behind them. You have let the person know that you are worried about it and therefore said, "I trust that you are going to take the high road". Then you have to act on that trust. If you don't, then you are saying two things:
     A. I don't trust you because of my past.
     B: I never will trust you.
When you make the decision to put yourself out there, you are making a decision to allow them to prove to you that they are better than your fears. Which means YOU actually have to trust now. That's hard. It was even harder reminding myself of that. I said, "You no longer have any excuse to behave like that. You have to give him a chance".
4. It made him responsible. See, now he can't say he didn't know. He knows All of it. Every fear, ever concern, how much power he has... all of it.
5. It made me obligated to speak my mind more often. I have a tendency to let things build up while I figure them out and while I am figuring, I am not trusting hahaha. So again, I don't have that shield.

Anyway...in some ways I am being silly. I believe in love and I'm not going to give up on it without proper effort. So becoming a relationship hermit is not going to happen any time soon. I don't even know if I made a specific point with this post but then, that's not really what it was about. It was about sharing myself with you all. That's about all for now. If you all have any comments about anything that I've said, I would love to hear them.

XOXO




Friday, January 25, 2013

Craigslist Scams and Attempted Fraud by Experian?

I wanted to blog about what happened to me because it might be happening to other people. I was going to write something specifically for the blog but I felt like the email I wrote to my friends would work well enough. I'd love to hear what all of your opinions are on this situation. So without further ado, here is what happened to me regarding Scam Craigslist Posts and Experian:


Back in October, I was on craigslist.org and there was a job offer. It was for some sort of office assistant position. The pay scale was nice but reasonable and everything was laid out professionally and it looked legit. I applied for the position but for the position, they wanted to know my credit score. I didn't think anything of it because most jobs nowadays want to know what your credit is- in fact, the company that I work for right now checked my credit before I got the job. They wanted the credit report to come from a company of their choosing so they told me to "click here" and follow the link. It took me to an Experian page and it looked legit. I signed up for the $1 thing where I could get my report, took a screen shot and anything that seemed a bit too personal, I blacked out in the editing program and then sent them the final picture. Something didn't sit well with me though and I decided to go ahead and check them out. Turned out that this is some sort of craigslist fraud that happens. Every post I read about it said, "Don't click on the link!" So what did I do? I immediately called my credit reporting agency that's through my bank and let them know what was up and I also contacted an agency to report the potential theft. Then I thought about it. I said to myself, "What could a thief have possibly gained from this?" They didn't get my social security number. Then I said to myself, "The only way I can think of that they can benefit is if that entire site was a fraudulent site and they set it up to get my credit card info OR if they are just getting $1 from everyone they trick". Either way, it was apparent that the entire site was probably bogus. So naturally, I didn't go back on it nor did I go to call any of their bogus customer service numbers. My credit agency told me to be on the look out but they didn't see anything suspicious. I checked my account, didn't see anything weird. Checked back later, didn't see anything suspicious. 


Fast forward to today; about 4 months later. I see a suspicious charge on my debit card. Now here is the thing. This is a special kind of debit card. I dictate how much is ever on the card and it's not connected to my personal account information. I noticed a very specific phrase that made me realize something was up... "Over Draft Fee". This card doesn't GET over draft fees. This card is an extension of my account. So I went to the bank to see what was up. They are telling me that there is a Reoccurring fee from Experian. I can't remember having any dealings with Experian. Finally it dons on me. That thing that happened back in October. But I told them...why would this be showing up all of a sudden. Turns out, they didn't charge me until like a month and a half later and I didn't notice it because it made an almost unnoticeable dent in my account. If I am a little over, I always assume it's just some late charge finally coming through-nothing major. So my bank said that since it was a legitimate charge, that I had to call Experian and explain to them what was going on before they could clear the over draft fee.

I call Experian. I explained the entire story to them: that I was defrauded and thought the website was a clone site and figured the criminals just didn't get what they needed to rip me off. I told them that I needed them to remove the charges and do you know what they proceeded to do next? Explain to me the benefits of an account like mine. They tried to convince me to stay with the company. I told them that I wasn't interested and do you know what they told me? They said, "There's nothing we can do. The charges are legitimate". I told that muddha skunt that I wasn't leaving until they cleared that shit and that he needed to put a manager on. He put me on hold and 2 min later this SOB came back and told me that he was reimbursing me ALL 3 Months worth of charges. You Damn right. Cause I don't play that shit!  

Now. Typically when there is fraud, who benefits? The thief. In this case, who's the ONLY "person" who stood to benefit? Experian. I thought about it and I said to myself, I wouldn't be surprised if they hire people to do this shit. Cause what happens is either A. You don't notice the charges cause you got money like that and you only really notice big charges. B. You notice but not until after a while and they tell you there's nothing they can do and you just accept it as a loss. C. You call to cancel and you decide to just stay with them cause you need the credit protection anyway. You see what I'm saying? Because why else would someone be on craigslist making bogus job posts that get people to sign up with Experian and then people come to think it's a fraud and stay as far away from that "Experian Website" as they can, only to find out that it Actually IS the Real Experian Site! That's some BS. 


Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Anthony Bourdain's Food Porn, "Reviewer Card" and Restaurant Blogging

I have made a decision. I was in the shower and I was thinking, "I should start a restaurant review blog". Let me give you a little back story so you don't think I'm just a blogging flake. I love cooking. I Fucking Love food. Let me just tell you, thinking about food long enough just might get me....well, I'm sure you can figure out what I would say next LOL. Can someone say, "Hot and Bothered"?...Anyway, my Ex Husband used to always tell me that I need to open a restaurant (which I am not going to do...EVER) and he would also say that I should  be a chef. I used to make all kinds of things for him, from
Guyanese Curry to his favorite of my dishes that he calls "Salmon Bread".

I would always say to him in return that what I should do is review restaurants. I was thinking about my own blog and a limiting thought in my head suggested that it would not be specific enough of me as a blogger if I blog about restaurants as well as the other things I blog about, but then the free spirit in me said, "Why the hell not?"



Fact of the matter is, I love going out to restaurants and I enjoy reviewing them. I love the experience; it is very sensual and romantic to me. My dream has always been to be able to afford to go out to restaurants that serve food like this: ------------->
and review it.




I think it would fit perfectly with my blog, as my blog is about ME, my life and sensuality. Now the reason all of this came up is because Philip Defranco had mentioned on his YouTube show today that there is a new card out called the "Reviewer Card".










Now, when I first thought about the reviewer card, I thought, "What a great way to get complimentary meals, meet the chef, and present a facade of professionalism". But there are some cons to the reviewer card, and for me, they are all ethical. It basically boils down to this: Yeah I will get free meals, discounts, coupons, meet the chef, etc. BUT I am not going to get honest service if I show this card right away. If it were me, I would not pull this bad boy out until the end of the meal or at least until I had been there a few times and got an honest experience. I don't even mind having to be approved to be able to purchase the card for $100...(Yes. That's right. I said Approved to Purchase...), because think of all of the benefits that come from having it!

Anyway, it's really not even about getting this reviewer card; it's about doing something that I said I have been saying for a few years now that I would love to do, and that is eating at all sorts of diverse restaurants (especially when I go out of the country) and  reviewing them. Which is one of the main reasons I LOVE the show
No Reservations with Anthony Bourdain. I mean come on! Come On! World Travel, best food in the world from all sorts of different types of spots...I saw this dude go to Africa and eat Ostrich Egg out of the dirt with the San people (Bushmen) of South Africa. Talk about raw!

Me being able to live a fraction of the type of life he lives would be a dream come true! Being able to live that sort of lifestyle is the reason why I work so diligently to build and grow my brand. It is the reason why I work out, because if I am going to be going all over the world eating all sorts of fatty foods like this: ------->
I have to be able to have the discipline to work it off or else I am going to become obese, and that's not healthy. Anyway, that's about all. I gotta get going cause I got some stuff to do and I gotta get up early in the morning. I will keep you updated and next time I go out to eat, best believe, I will be writing you up a tasty restaurant review.

XOXO

Lola K.






Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Twerking after 9 with the Twerk Team

I came on Facebook and was a link in my FB Messenger from Mr. Star and it was a video of one of the models we work with "twerkin". Now if you don't know what twerking is, then check out the link he sent me of our associate/friend, model Key Jones, doing her thang here in this video:



Now, I was talking to Mr. Star about how good Key Jones is and he told me, in effect, that I hadn't seen nothin yet. He turned me on to the "Twerk Team".



These are two sisters from Atlanta and from what I've read so far, they started their team back in 2005. Since then they have been in many music videos and are supposed to be coming out with their own clothing line and workout video, etc.

Now this is where I come in. First of all, I like to shake my ass on the dance floor haha that's for sure! I like to "drop it low", "bend over to the front and touch my toes", and I like to "twerk", even though I would not call myself an expert. I saw this Twerk Team in action tonight and I said to myself, "Man, I wanna be able to do That!" So I put on my little heart rate monitor watch and checked to see how many calories I would burn practicing twerking for 10-20 minutes.

I ended up doing 30 minutes of it and I burned 500 calories! That's right, 500 calories! It was fun and I didn't even have to stop cause I was exhausted. What's great about twerking is that aside from being fun, it's not loud, so I can do it after 9. I also do Insanity but #1 Insanity is Super Hard...that's why they call it Insanity and #2 It's super loud to do when you live in an apartment because there's a lot of jumping...which is one of the reasons why it's so effective.

So if you want a fun and sexy workout to try, I suggest that you get on YouTube, look up the Twerk Team and twerk it out. This way you can have fun, burn a lot of calories and learn some of those sensual moves while you are at it.








Monday, January 14, 2013

Owen Habel- A True Romeo

Well I still got it! hahaha Someone wrote a poem for me today inspired by this picture:


Here is the Poem, by Owen Habel:


I swallow heavy gulps
Of saliver 
When i glance at your lips
I wonder what the
Feeling would be like if i 
Looked at your heaps

The way you bite 

that tongue
Makes me want to be
A thug
And steal a kiss to bliss my dry lips with your wetness

Am staring at your smile

And my mind goes
yonder for a while

The pigment on ur skin is

That of an angel
The dreads on your head
Summerizes my thoughts
U define beauty



He is very talented and prolific. You all should check out his blog by clicking on the picture...  
He is from Kenya and he is going to be in the Magazine.



Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Intangible by Lola K.

Some things cannot be captured
by photograph.
Like the way the lights smear, stretch and bleed through tear drops.
Or like how one can feel love and hate simultaneously.
Some things…
Some things are caught between worlds. 
Caught between what I can see and me… and even if I wanted to express them to you,
I could not.
I could try to paint it
and you
you could try to interpret it,
but some things simply cannot be shown or explained. 
They can only be felt
experienced…
See for yourself...
This is the root of empathy.
And even in empathy, you will still never be able to see it through my eyes,
nor I through yours,
just like I will never truly be able to see myself through my own eyes.
And this is just one of the many curses of being God. 

Monday, January 7, 2013

2 Raw 4 TV Magazine, My first article and a Pseudo Graphic Designer

Hey everyone. Just wanted to touch bases with you. I have been doing well. I have been really focused on getting this magazine together. (2 Raw 4 TV Magazine.) It's no joke. It's been fun though. I wrote my first article a few days ago and I have been editing other people's articles. It's actually not that bad when people send them to you one at a time and so far, everyone has been sending them in early. I am really excited about this venture. I wrote an article on, "How to leave when you are still in love". I think it turned out pretty well. There were a couple parts, that when read out loud, I could tell messed up the flow, so I altered those areas. I cannot stress to you all the importance of proof reading your material ALOUD. ALOUD is key. When you read out loud, you get a feel for the flow of the material (grammatically and expressively). Reading something out loud could mean the difference between sounding whiny and sounding eloquent. Read your stuff aloud when you are finished. I command you. hahaha :) Anyway, that's about all for now. I am going to post the article I wrote below and you can tell me what you think. And if any of you are interested in being a part of the magazine, let me know. We take guest writers as well. Keep in mind, as of now, work for the magazine is done on a volunteer basis. I have also decided to attach the sample cover I made last night for promotions. I did a pretty good job for not being a graphic designer.


My article:

 How do you leave when you are still in love?

This was one of the toughest questions I ever had to ask myself; and it was necessary. I had to find a way to leave because I was in an abusive relationship. You know what the hardest part is? When you love someone and you know they love you back but you can’t stay because the relationship is unhealthy.

It is very difficult to leave someone when there are good aspects to the relationship, like: company, good sex, a luxurious lifestyle, friendship. In my case, it was the love and companionship. In my heart, I really wanted to make it work. He was fun, great company, he understood me and he loved me; but you can’t make it work with someone who is in denial about the severity of their behavior; and you can’t make it work with someone who is not willing to improve.

There are people who say that if someone loves you, they wouldn't treat you in certain types of ways. I don’t feel this is necessarily true. There is a difference between feeling love and knowing how to express it well. Knowing how to treat someone in a kind and loving way is a learned behavior. People treat you as best they can based on who they have come to be and what they know. So when it comes down to it, it’s not a question of, does this person love you. The question is: Are they capable of treating you in the way that you want/need to be treated?

This is what makes it so difficult. I think what happens a lot of times is people connect love with behavior. However, think about this: Someone could treat you like a queen (or king), showering you with gifts and complimenting you but that doesn't mean that they love you. That behavior could merely be a result of having parents who taught him/her that that is the way you treat a lady/man. Shoot, rappers do it every day and they “don’t love dem hos!” Ha! In the wise words of Tina Turner, “What’s love got to do with it?”

So how do we do it? How do we leave when we’re still in love? Well the first thing you have to ask yourself is, do you really want to leave? Then you have to answer that question honestly. Then make a choice and stick with it. If your choice is to stay, then make that choice, deal with the consequences and stop complaining to people about how poorly the person treats you. (And yes, you are allowed to change your mind after you make a decision.)

If you decide that you do want to leave, then you have to ask yourself, why haven’t you left yet? Are you staying because you don’t like being alone? Perhaps it’s because you don’t have money to leave. Is it the great sex? Are you staying because of the children or love?

There are many scenarios and I am not going to get into all of them but I will do my best to express to you the mentality you will have to develop in order to leave. Everybody’s situation is different. The fact is, you can’t do shit with your stuff if you are dead. So if you are in an abusive relationship, there’s no question… you have to get out.

However, whether you are in a serious situation or not, it’s really a matter of knowing that something has to be done and doing it. Once you make the decision that you are going to leave, then no matter what is keeping you in the unhealthy relationship, you need to find a way to overcome it.

When you need to lose weight, what do you do? You eat healthier and you work out. If that doesn't work, you might increase your work out and start counting calories. Then, if necessary, you’ll start to do research on how to change up your lifestyle and workout for optimum results. If you’re still having trouble, you might go to the doctor to see what he thinks or you might join Weight Watchers; but here’s the deal, if you really want to lose that weight, can’t hell or high waters stop you. And losing weight can be tough, lengthy, tedious and take months, if not years to accomplish. Then, on top of all of that, you have to keep the weight off.

This is the attitude you have to have when leaving someone that you still love and if you don’t have it, you have to develop it. There is something that was said to me before by a counselor. She said, “You don’t have to have all of the answers now. You don’t have to cope emotionally now. You can leave first and then cope. You can leave first and then get answers”. You can deal with the fact that they hurt you and all of the “whys” after you have separated yourself from the unhealthy relationship.

What we have to do as people (especially women), is accept the situation for what it is and not what it could be. We have to recognize what situation we are in, accept it, make a decision and then work toward that goal and not stop until it is reached. Trying to change someone isn't going to work. People are who they are and they change when they want to change because they want to change. The fact of the matter is, they might very well change… just not while they’re with you and that can hurt to see but at the same time, your leaving them is probably what propelled them to change.

Also, you cannot wait forever on people to change. There is a difference between waiting on someone to change and trying to change them. I never tried to change my Ex. I was waiting on him and working with him to change, per his request. I told him what was not going to work and he assured me that he was working on himself and that I should be patient. This was logical to me because I agreed to be committed to him and commitment is about patience and team work, but once I realized that he was taking advantage of my patience, it was no longer logical.

He used to say to me all of the time, “We have our whole lives to work on it,” and I would always say, “No. We don’t. We have to fix it now because our life is happening now”.
With his type of attitude, nothing ever gets done and by the time you decide to work on it, you are tired, old and set in your ways. Waiting on someone that is not going to change or is changing very slowly is a waste of your time and you deserve to be treated well NOW. You shouldn't have to wait. Besides, what they are saying, in effect is, “Your time is not valuable to me. You can wait a few years longer while I treat you like shit and then, when I feel like being better, I’ll work on it… if I’m not too old and set in my ways.”   

Now for those of you who are reading this and saying, “Well, it’s not that easy,” then I suggest that you go back up to the suggested questions and review the one that asks: Do I really want to leave? In fact, I will do you one better and say that that question should be: Do I need to leave? Because you may not want to, I didn't want to, but I needed to; and so I did. You can too.

XOXO

Lola K.